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I feel like I've always been the person that knows what she wants.

From an early age...knowing what I believed in, knowing what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and how I've wanted to live.

From time to time, that shifts.
Embarking on my 34th year (but feeling like I'm 21!), I've finally realized some things about love.

Firstly, that love starts with me.  It breeds inside of me....and shines outwardly continuously finding a larger space for love to settle in.  

Secondly...love knows no bounds.  It's unconditional, and always present.  Even if we don't always 100% feel it.

Thirdly.  I cannot compromise my love for the idea of love.
I cannot accept anything less for myself than truth in love.

...remembering that all of this, every single bit, has started with me.  
Recognizing all qualities, and the sum of all parts of me + this universe equal nothing but LOVE.

My birthday wish....is that anyone reading this stumbles upon this love.  

In your own time, in your own space...embracing the bigness to be loved, that is you.

EASE

I've been hammering home the concept of discipline lately.

Lining up my own life so that it aligns with what I'd like it to look like.  Fitness regimens, Sadhana and other practices, class schedules, catching up on work, meeting with friends, making time for family and loved ones...it's been all about schedules.  Discipline.  Fitting it all in, gracefully.

And when I started to layout my plan for this weeks classes, and thought of "Discipline" as the theme...immediately I thought, "HELL NO!"

We're 2 days away from Summer Solstice...a time that literally gives you nothing but liberation.  A freedom that comes straight from nature!  Tell me again why I think teaching about discipline is a good idea? (It's not about YOU, Miss Marci!)

To be honest, for me, a little more discipline right now has been liberating...but it's not the point.  

As we move through our days filled with strict schedules and even stricter expectations....shouldn't we ease up???  Shouldn't we honor the natural pause...the natural freedom this solstice...this SHIFT provides?

This ease...softness...comes from the inside out.    Soften your heart, ease up your mind....  Detach from the ideals and find a way of being through this soft transition.

Fall/Winter in comparison are a bit more harsh.  The cold breezes come, along with the layers that provide heavy warmth.  But not now....now we're shedding layer after layer.  Opening up to a sort of....grace.  Nature.

There's a beauty in detaching from our ideals, and being able to see what's in front of us.

It's the ease of simple awareness.  An action without a cause.

Love, love, LOVE!

INNOCENCE

In yoga, some believe in "guru's". 

Teacher's chosen to show us the path, and utilize what we hold in our souls to survive.

I found my teachers years ago...but I found another about a month ago.

She's 6, and her name is Vega.

Vega came in with her mom to one of my yoga classes.  The fitness director immediately came over to me concerned about a 6 year old joining a class with essentially 40+ year olds. I had faith that Vega could hold her own...and hold her own she did!  She rocked out poses, didn't mind if she was on the wrong foot/side, welcomed my adjustments, and handled the entire class like a pro.  Including Savasana, during which she held her lovely mother's hand.

I missed Vega in my class.  When she left the first, she was SO excited.  Her and I hugged, and I knew she'd be back again.  As a teacher, when you recognize a light that shine's as brightly as Vega's, you look forward to seeing it again.  I finally met my lil' ray of sunshine again this week.  And I was meant with a torpedo of a bear hug as big as a 6 year old can muster.  Vega also brought along her 4 year old brother (who made it clear he is NOT a fan of Downdog!).

As a teacher we recognize what's happening in our students almost immediately   It's part of our Jedi training.  When you get a look, a hug, a sigh.... instinctually we know what's going on.  My lil Miss Vega, she's on a journey.  There's something within her so ready to connect to herself, and her creativity.

As I led the class and helped everyone out with adjustments, Vega scooted off her mat and let her family members know of any mis-alignment as well.  When I led her back to her mat and let her know everyone has their own practice, she got it.  In general, she gets it, even if she doesn't know it yet.

And isn't that what happens throughout our various practices?  The pose/practice works us more than we work it...and eventually a window opens, then a door, and then our universe.

Having Vega in class was just a reminder of how truly special these journey's are.  Whether I'm there facilitating, just observing, or meandering through my own journey....the connection is special.  It's pure, real,  full of innocence, and complete.  Oh so complete!

The innocence comes in not knowing, and trudging forth trusting ourselves.  Trusting our process.  

Trust is a tough one....I know the fear of trust well.  But when we bring forth the innocent quality of trust, what's happening within us makes us lighter.  Allows us to shed layer after layer of protection....and then there's that light.  A soul that shines.

We all possess this quality.  And we all possess the ability to allow our innocence to radiate!

As I wrapped up writing this post, I looked up the name "Vega" to see what it means.

Vega is the name of the brightest star in a a group of stars called "Lyra".

love, Love, LOVE!

HEART

I'm taking a day off today.  A much needed day taken, on a whim.
(Well, almost a full day off...I'm still teaching a class this evening.  But, that never feels like "work" necessarily.)

I've also decided to treat myself to breakfast.  Embarking on a delicious 60 degree day at the start of Spring....this joint is lined with floor to ceiling windows.  As I sit here writing I feel wide open.  To the sunshine, people walking by, to the music playing setting the mood, and at the risk of sounding corn-tastic....wide open from the heart.  Welcoming in all these things to the senses...letting them touch me.

What I haven't said yet is...I took this day off for my Gramps.  He parted from us a year ago today.

I didn't plan on writing today...I planned on treating myself and purely observing and just being.

This scenery that I set myself up with today, it reminds me of the lessons my Gramps taught me.  My entire life this man was one of the strongest, and sappiest I had ever seen.  He was tough as nails, but cried all the time!  We, his family, used to tease him endlessly about his faucet-like tears.  When we were kids, he'd be the first one to discipline us, but with love.  I didn't really know how to appreciate all of this, or even realize what was happening until I approached my 30's.  I started to discover what a rare quality this was to have.

The windows I'm staring through at this moment remind me of the windows in time when Gramps would open up, and allow himself to be vulnerable.  He'd let things in, let their effects flow through him, and he wasn't afraid to show emotion.  Most times I feel like my Gramps was hardly ever "afraid".

He loved us all fiercely, from his own truth.  He instilled that truth in all of us, and lived it himself.  A lot of times, I see him in my teaching.  A precise focus on alignment, safety, and then...exploration.  With that, comes a love that runs as deep as you're willing to let it.

Just as I was uncovering all of this about my own Grandfather, I started to see those qualities in myself.  I had kept my heart, the best part of me, guarded for so long.  It literally took friends YEARS to crack me.  But why?  If it's the best part of me, my life should be led from my heartspace.  But how?

Thinking of Gramps, my answer was clear.  Fearlessly.

How brave is it to live and love fearlessly?!  How much courage does it take to fully move from a place that holds so much possibility?!

This discovery...well, it left me floored.  As I started to explore my heartspace, I found a whole new universe.  A new way of relating to friends and family, the world around me, and most importantly...myself.  I learn more about this space every minute of every day.

It's been the most valuable lesson of my life.
So to this man...who in theory gave me life, gave me love, and opened up his world to me so that I might find mine....I say, I love you.

From the deepest depth of my heart.

DAYDREAMS

...without agenda and without logic....it's time to let my mind wander.

I close my eyes and my heart leaps down this path.
Vast, unknown to where it'll lead...
Yet I still go.

So unlike life, and unlike me.
I let it all go.  All of it...
Shredding layer upon layer of who I need to be....
And I feel.
Warmth.
Love.

Fearlessly I allow this embrace, and the embrace of another.
Caution isn't here, passion is.
Open heart space, and a mind that knows only the heart.
This is endless.
This is what could be....
If I allow myself,
To daydream,
With eyes,
Wide.
Open.


One man's daydreaming is another man's day. ~Grey Livingston

TOLERANCE

January and thus far February...have been a big blur of..blurry.

It seems as though after I wound down from the holidays...after an amazing week away from reality in the tropics....my body decided to up and all out REVOLT!

Thanks to my Mama's side of the family ( HI MOM!)  I'm prone to getting kidney stones, and kidney infections.  In addition, I found out my intolerance for gluten is really...intolerant.  AND on top of that, throw in some good ol' fashion PMS to the mix.

I felt like a mess, for about three weeks.  There were days I just camped out on the couch just for lack of being able to do anything but.  The fun part about it, was getting to know the various parts of my body up close and intimately.

I started juicing a whole lot more once I got home in January, and literally bonded with my kitchen.  I didn't want to resort to all kinds of processed foods or ordering out to nourish my non-glutinous bod....I wanted to learn how to feed it.  How to prepare food, and prepare my body, for what the days/weeks hold.  I wanted to learn about cravings and what my body REALLY needs...and I wanted to be sure I didn't give in to the cravings.

In the meantime...I've decided to bring the Yamas and Niyamas into my teachings.  My students are SO ready for it!

Yesterday evening with Ahimsa (non-harming) woven into our practice, and while I read Patanjali's wise words...I came across this in 2.35...
"I am still trying.  I am still not that perfect."

..and it immediately brought me back to a theme that always seems to ring true....
"We're never not changing."

The truth is there's no golden rule saying perfection is in the cards for us.  We can strive for it, but our path will change, throwing us for a loop, but in reality allowing us to get to know ourselves again.  

I like to the think of the self, or imagine the self...the conscious self....as layers.  Sometimes they shift, other times they melt into one another changing form...either way, ya dive in.  Whether you stay there stuck in the layers, or you take a more exploratory mentality....the layers are always there.  And they're always shifting.

I'm thinking the point here is....change is okay if you let it be okay.  Sure you can embrace change....but...what about embracing yourself?  Getting to know yourself, and most of all....forgiving yourself for all our lack of perfection?

Because we'll change again.  And we can be resistant to it (read:  resistant to ourselves), or we can get to know what we just don't know yet.

TULUM

There's places, people, and things on this earth....that connect us.

They bring us to a place of peace....and realization...and inspiration.  Special things happen here.

....some of you have an idea of what I'm talking about.
Little portals put on earth to transport us to truths unrealized.

Tulum....6 years ago, was that place for me.

I stumbled upon Tulum thanks to a friend who had seen a spa on the Travel Channel that she just HAD to go to.  We (read:she) searched high and low for this spa, and after about 4-5 days we found it.   As we sat down to a glass of white wine and the freshest ceviche I had ever had...something instantly happened to me.  My heart, soul...and my body instantly relaxed.  Somehow, I felt lighter as my physical body got heavy.

We hung out on the white sandy beaches, I swam topless, we indulged in the spa....and then were on our way home.  We also instantly booked our second trip to Tulum for 2 months later.

Tulum felt magical to me.  It invoked a connection within that I had never experienced before.  As it would turn out, there would be a sense of cleansing in Tulum...and also, a sense of mourning, healing, and discovery.  I had no control over what was going on...I just let it all flow through me.

I'm forever grateful to Tulum for these gifts, and most of all, helping me find my yoga.  I discovered "Shakti" in Tulum as well.

....so....fast forward to the end of 2012/start of 2013....I decided to pay Tulum a visit.

Two years ago Tulum formed a municipal independent of it's parent, Cozumel.  The change is now evident....Mega Stores, Gas Stations, Isolation of Tourists, Money, Development, the list goes on....

I was initially sad, due to the attachment I have to this Eco-Preserve.  Then I thought....I need to go easy on Tulum.

Evolution and change are our only constants....we know this...I KNOW THIS!  Right?  That after all is why I've been so in love with Tulum in the first place.  I felt as though it fueled this directional evolution that's led me to truth after truth and discovery after discovery.

BUT!

Maybe Tulum just....facilitated that.  Maybe I was giving this place too much credit, and not enough to myself?  Maybe this magic was within me all along, and I needed a push to start finding it.  Maybe it was just...time.  Time to be me.

I thought about this concept through my entire trip...and I've come to the conclusion that it's just projection.  These places of paradise/inspiration/inter-connected-ness all certainly reside in us.  Let's not depend on what these things represent...lets uncover these portals within ourselves and explore.  Let the light in and let it shine, shine, shine!

As I left Tulum, I thanked it and wished it well.  I love it no less, but I don't "need" it.  I need me...and will keep on needing me.

Love, love, LOVE!