FULL

It occurred to me today, after feeling full after a full day of teaching....where fullness really comes from.

What is it really to be fulfilled?
It's space created in our hearts and our lives we fill with that which means the most to us. 

 I know friends of mine who are full with love in their homes, lil' kiddies running around, and otherwise complete and total chaos.  Others are completely full with accomplishment, from running a business that leaves them feeling successful career-wise, with a line of clients waiting to hear back from them, and a to-do list that only gets longer and longer and longer.

Today, I realized what fulfills me is sharing this gift of Yoga and Ayurveda.
And honestly....sometimes I feel like a fraud.  Like....what am I talking about?  Where did I learn this?  And very honestly, the infamous....how the hell do I know THAT?  Never mind why anyone on this planet is really listening to me.

My Ayurveda trainees were asking today how to know how to approach or "handle" certain clients. The realizations you come to through self examination are pretty intense ones, and are not always realizations we're game to own up to.  It was a sweet question really and one that's answer is purely one of experience.

But that question....that one sweetly naive question is the one that made me realize where I've been and what I've become.  It made me walk away from class today feeling as full as I can remember.

THIS is why I wanted to do what I do.  THIS is why I've spent the gazillions (okay...that's an exaggeration.  But I've invested a lot) of bucks in the trainings I've placed myself in.  THIS is reason I know anything, and also the reason students are willing to listen.  THIS is why students are asking me the tough questions.  THIS is the reason I am even surrounded by students.

It also occurred to me that this fullness is present most when the belief in myself is present. 
More confidence and less fear.  
More of being humble, and less of my ego.  
More of working from the heart, than coming from any place else.

It's like igniting a spark, all on your own. 

Love, love, LOVE 

RESTLESS

Heartache in the depths of you...
Something bigger, something different
Brilliant, Fulfilling, Big...

Bigness that's ready to burst
Right from the heart of you.
Something truer, something that's more....you.

You don't know what it is yet
You're still feeling out it's qualities
...and what it's capable of.

It's capable of making you.
Leading you to the truest version of you.
It leads you to the colors of your soul..
The rhythm of your heart.

Its okay to not know it fully yet yet.
As long as you're feeling it fully.
And allowing it unconditionally.

Its human.  Its real.
Its unknown.

TIDES

As much of a lover of nature that I am....mother nature and human nature....my heart and full spirit are always with the ocean.

For whatever reason, even after it's peak season this year, it's been calling me.  Beach umbrella's, sunblock, scorching warmth, flesh, crowds.....it's all gone.  Its not it's season.  Fall beckons the real lovers...the surfers and the seagulls in truth have never left.  What you see more of are the fishermen, daydreamers, and others just like myself who are called there.

Admittedly I've been a fair weather admirer.  I haven't always visited the ocean past its peak season. A few times in the fall, but it was half-hearted.  This Fall is the first time I really carved out the space to see it's qualities beyond whats most desirable.  Also admittedly, I had expectations of this incredible force of nature.

I mean...it's Fall, right?  I expected more sand dunes in prep for fall/winter storms, intense tides, cold winds, ,less people, more surf.  In fact, I expected the ocean to be fierce!  To be tumbling and churning creating all that "change" that comes with the shift in season!

The first time off-season I stepped into the sand....I saw the extra sand dunes, I saw less people, and I also saw serenity.  Not just a quality in the people who were there enjoying and respecting the oceans true nature, but the ocean itself was completely serene.  Just being what it was.  No fierceness visible. Some surfers were talking about a serious under-tow preventing them from standing on their boards, but the surfers respected it.  Didn't mess with it.  And everyone was safe.

The colors were different.  The sky was less blue and more grey.  Depending on which visit maybe the wind picked up a little, maybe the sun was pleasantly available, or maybe the clouds rolled in. The sand is always cool. But the serenity and pure truth of this Fall ocean has never changed.  It simply is what it is, regardless of my initial expectations.  Or anyone's expectations.

When I breathe in this concept, what I breathe out is judgement.  Putting labels or stress or identification on what things "should" be.  The tides of the ocean (read:life) don't need to be dramatic.
Shifts may be necessary and almost at this time of year a habit....but they don't have to be forced. Learning how to let a person, place or situation simply be what it wants to be is the biggest shift we all could ever welcome.  Respecting where it's all at without expecting more.

Who knew the tides in their true nature could teach us to be us?

THE SELF

I feel like everything I've written, and everything I will write is ever dependent on "the self"".

Our self.  Ourselves.

Humanity.  Human Nature.  Human conditions.  Human error.
How we move through life as individuals, and as a collective.

I've watched the people I love dearly, past and present, trembling at the idea of knowing themselves.

As many times as I practice yoga weekly, or my sadhana daily...there are days, sometimes weeks at a time that I actively try to drift from myself.  Drift from the practices and work of knowing just to.....not know.

Know what?
Know me.  Myself.  All my inner workings and kinks that make me the glorious individual that I've become, and are still becoming.

The fear that I see in others, and in myself...is simply sad.
Because the truth is...I think we're all lovely.

The dreamer in me likes to see the idiosyncrasies of us all and believe they exist so we can find some common ground with one another.  Like a mirror, we can see the judgement and the harshness reflected and just by mere observation know that what we have going on...what we're dealing with....is never as bad as we think it is.  We're our own worst critics and it's a useless, tragic waste of our time.

If we can let go of expectations and literally place ourselves in the experiences of our lives....well...I think we'd all feel differently.  Knowing "the self" / ourselves is like not knowing the outcome of an x-ray, or a job interview, or a pregnancy test or any test life tosses our way.  It's the fear of the unknown.  We are creatures who are ever evolving.  It's impossible to know what crazy thing we're going to do next.  Or what the person next to us might do. Lets admit it, that terrifies us.  We like control.

The truth is....we have that control.
If were willing to admit it, most of us already have a profound knowledge of who we are at our core.  If we can stop judging that for mere moments at a time, we'll find that who we are always exists.  It's always there.

There may be clouds.  It might (shit)storm....there might even be lightening.  Whatever the circumstance, the core of us always exists in it's purest of form.

It's up to us to know that truth.  Everyday.
And allow it to shine through.

LOST

It feels good to be in February.  Joyous, almost!

February means a few things...

- It hosts Groundhog Day.  And even if he sees his shadow it gives us a reason to say "Spring" or "end of Winter" just a few more times than it normally has.

- It hosts Valentines Day.  Even while homogenized...it gives everyone the excuse to access the heartspace conciously if even for one day.

- Its the shortest month of the year....which means March, and it's start of Spring isn't too far behind!

By this time of year I often find myself lost.  Or more like submersed into the complacency that is Winter.  Along with most I've traditionally wanted to move less, eat more, and my lose myself in rest.

As I look out at the New York City snow imagining the additional 5-10 inches that are forecast to fall from the sky in the next 24 hours, I wonder....what's so bad about getting lost??

There's an inner connection that can happen with feeding ourselves and resting ourselves.  In fact, Mother Nature gives us Winter so that we'll do just that.  Go within.  There's a certain comfort that comes with making soups, chili's, laying on the couch covered in blankets with coffee.  And why is any of that "bad" or "unproductive".  The truth is it's not.

The lack of interest in dealing with the elements could quite possibly supply greater interest in dealing with ourselves.  Maybe it's time to ignite the fire in a fitness or yoga class, ignite our minds in a workshop or higher learning course, or to finish projects that linger in our mind or linger unfinished.  And for some of us, it's a force sending us to a rest that's so desperately needed.  A force that teaches us how to truly nourish.

I'm beginning to think of this time as foundational.  Setting the stage, if you will.  So that Spring and Summer could be even more fulfilling and our actions a little closer to our hearts.  And our truth.

This is the time to dig a little deeper in warmth, comfort, and safety.

A time to move steathly, and at your own pace...while peeling back layer after layer of desire.

Right now, I'm just loving that those desires in us still exist.  While new ones are unfolding. 

Underneath all the layers we've piled on, we're still free to be our badass selves!

SOUL

I'm not afraid to admit my soul is intertwined with yours.
Tonight...I knew the moment you thought of me.
And I knew it was you, who was reaching for me.

I'm sorry the world is what it is, and your fear is what you fear.
That fear isn't me...the world isn't me.
Just your soul.  Just your love. Just my soul.  Just my love.

Our love isn't logic,
It's not planned,
And it's definitely not perfect.
But it's perfect enough.
It's just what we need....

To live
To soar...
Beyond where we let ourselves
Into our unknown perfection...

Love is love
You are you.
I am me...
And together our souls live.

POSSIBILITY

In another life...another time...another space, the title of this blog post would be "CHANGE".

I prefer to shift perspective.

Fall is never a joyous time for me.  Ever.
I relish in warmth, sunshine....and I thrive on the ocean.

I've literally had to learn how to appreciate Fall and all it brings with it.  I've had to teach myself how to relax.  Maybe sleep an hour later.  To not always have something to do. To ground.

This Fall particularly has felt....dramatic.  I was away for the start of the transition and once I came home, I was knocked off balance.  Things were shifting and whirling around me.  I literally, for once, had no idea where I'd end up.

And honestly....is that so bad?
The not knowing?

Some would say yes...and I'd usually be part of that majority.  But this time I let the winds take me where they may.  I figured I'd land where I'd land, and that I'd be safe.  Because, well...my soul is my soul.  That will never change.

So...turns out, I've landed.  Into this place of possibility.  Into this place of receptivity and....vastness.  If I keep my heart and my mind open just a little bit longer (like, forever)...who knows where I'll end up.

Imagine.....

The vastness....
The possibilities....
The LOVE...