THE SELF

I feel like everything I've written, and everything I will write is ever dependent on "the self"".

Our self.  Ourselves.

Humanity.  Human Nature.  Human conditions.  Human error.
How we move through life as individuals, and as a collective.

I've watched the people I love dearly, past and present, trembling at the idea of knowing themselves.

As many times as I practice yoga weekly, or my sadhana daily...there are days, sometimes weeks at a time that I actively try to drift from myself.  Drift from the practices and work of knowing just to.....not know.

Know what?
Know me.  Myself.  All my inner workings and kinks that make me the glorious individual that I've become, and are still becoming.

The fear that I see in others, and in myself...is simply sad.
Because the truth is...I think we're all lovely.

The dreamer in me likes to see the idiosyncrasies of us all and believe they exist so we can find some common ground with one another.  Like a mirror, we can see the judgement and the harshness reflected and just by mere observation know that what we have going on...what we're dealing with....is never as bad as we think it is.  We're our own worst critics and it's a useless, tragic waste of our time.

If we can let go of expectations and literally place ourselves in the experiences of our lives....well...I think we'd all feel differently.  Knowing "the self" / ourselves is like not knowing the outcome of an x-ray, or a job interview, or a pregnancy test or any test life tosses our way.  It's the fear of the unknown.  We are creatures who are ever evolving.  It's impossible to know what crazy thing we're going to do next.  Or what the person next to us might do. Lets admit it, that terrifies us.  We like control.

The truth is....we have that control.
If were willing to admit it, most of us already have a profound knowledge of who we are at our core.  If we can stop judging that for mere moments at a time, we'll find that who we are always exists.  It's always there.

There may be clouds.  It might (shit)storm....there might even be lightening.  Whatever the circumstance, the core of us always exists in it's purest of form.

It's up to us to know that truth.  Everyday.
And allow it to shine through.

LOST

It feels good to be in February.  Joyous, almost!

February means a few things...

- It hosts Groundhog Day.  And even if he sees his shadow it gives us a reason to say "Spring" or "end of Winter" just a few more times than it normally has.

- It hosts Valentines Day.  Even while homogenized...it gives everyone the excuse to access the heartspace conciously if even for one day.

- Its the shortest month of the year....which means March, and it's start of Spring isn't too far behind!

By this time of year I often find myself lost.  Or more like submersed into the complacency that is Winter.  Along with most I've traditionally wanted to move less, eat more, and my lose myself in rest.

As I look out at the New York City snow imagining the additional 5-10 inches that are forecast to fall from the sky in the next 24 hours, I wonder....what's so bad about getting lost??

There's an inner connection that can happen with feeding ourselves and resting ourselves.  In fact, Mother Nature gives us Winter so that we'll do just that.  Go within.  There's a certain comfort that comes with making soups, chili's, laying on the couch covered in blankets with coffee.  And why is any of that "bad" or "unproductive".  The truth is it's not.

The lack of interest in dealing with the elements could quite possibly supply greater interest in dealing with ourselves.  Maybe it's time to ignite the fire in a fitness or yoga class, ignite our minds in a workshop or higher learning course, or to finish projects that linger in our mind or linger unfinished.  And for some of us, it's a force sending us to a rest that's so desperately needed.  A force that teaches us how to truly nourish.

I'm beginning to think of this time as foundational.  Setting the stage, if you will.  So that Spring and Summer could be even more fulfilling and our actions a little closer to our hearts.  And our truth.

This is the time to dig a little deeper in warmth, comfort, and safety.

A time to move steathly, and at your own pace...while peeling back layer after layer of desire.

Right now, I'm just loving that those desires in us still exist.  While new ones are unfolding. 

Underneath all the layers we've piled on, we're still free to be our badass selves!

SOUL

I'm not afraid to admit my soul is intertwined with yours.
Tonight...I knew the moment you thought of me.
And I knew it was you, who was reaching for me.

I'm sorry the world is what it is, and your fear is what you fear.
That fear isn't me...the world isn't me.
Just your soul.  Just your love. Just my soul.  Just my love.

Our love isn't logic,
It's not planned,
And it's definitely not perfect.
But it's perfect enough.
It's just what we need....

To live
To soar...
Beyond where we let ourselves
Into our unknown perfection...

Love is love
You are you.
I am me...
And together our souls live.

POSSIBILITY

In another life...another time...another space, the title of this blog post would be "CHANGE".

I prefer to shift perspective.

Fall is never a joyous time for me.  Ever.
I relish in warmth, sunshine....and I thrive on the ocean.

I've literally had to learn how to appreciate Fall and all it brings with it.  I've had to teach myself how to relax.  Maybe sleep an hour later.  To not always have something to do. To ground.

This Fall particularly has felt....dramatic.  I was away for the start of the transition and once I came home, I was knocked off balance.  Things were shifting and whirling around me.  I literally, for once, had no idea where I'd end up.

And honestly....is that so bad?
The not knowing?

Some would say yes...and I'd usually be part of that majority.  But this time I let the winds take me where they may.  I figured I'd land where I'd land, and that I'd be safe.  Because, well...my soul is my soul.  That will never change.

So...turns out, I've landed.  Into this place of possibility.  Into this place of receptivity and....vastness.  If I keep my heart and my mind open just a little bit longer (like, forever)...who knows where I'll end up.

Imagine.....

The vastness....
The possibilities....
The LOVE...

VULNERABILITY

Vulnerability means letting the world see you.

It's raw....It's exposure...

It's the disregard of fears...

Its movement from your heart...

Its the surrender to your truth.

I carry your heart with me 
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear: and whatever is done by only me is your doing, darling)

I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and its you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the starts apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

~e.e. cummings

FEARLESS

Today I decided it was about time to unnerve myself.

So...naturally...I decided to give Aerial Yoga a try.

I was quite impressed with myself.  There was one pose I was unable to do, there was one pose where I utterly surprised myself, and there was a pose that I was far too afraid of.

I'm not going to lie, I've been a slave to my fears as of late.

There seems to be a lot of sadness surrounding me.  Friends and dear loved ones who's hearts are breaking.  So, naturally...I feel like I'm keeping my soul hidden for safety reasons.

It's surprising to me, because daily I choose to live so fearlessly.  There's not too much about my existence that says "delicate flower".  Yet here I am...craving safety.

Don't get me wrong...there's NOTHING wrong with securing your self, or your soul.  But there is such a thing as getting too comfortable there.  Getting comfortable with just sailing by, without too much excitement. Or really...effort.  It's not really a lack of motivation, it's more like a protective shell.

A shell someone like me just isn't able to tolerate.

We're fierce, and then we fumble.

There's a high tide, and a low tide.

There's embers, and then there's a flame.

We embrace, and we let go.

This is the fluidity we call life.  The ebb and flow which challenges us, big or small.  We're never not moving into this fluidity, and through it.  We make choices and the push and pull arises as we move through the paths we choose.  

At some point...somewhere in our late teens...we start to lose touch with that fearlessness.  That fiery existence that doesn't quiver at the thought of outside elements.  That fire burns deep within us.

As I was hanging upside down terrified by an extra large piece of cloth, it occurred to me that some of that fire would do me good.  As I moved around this cloth I decided to get more comfortable in the unknown...because I was supported by something almost equally unknown (the cloth).  And really...that's the honest to god truth.

We're supported.  Say it out loud....."I'm supported!"

We're supported by our souls, and were supported by our hearts.  Were supported by friends and our loved ones.  We're supported by our laughter.  We're supported by our bones, our muscles, and the dear ground beneath us.  We're supported by....who cares?  The bottom lines is, WE ARE SUPPORTED.

If we can move out of our minds and move from our hearts fear becomes less.  Fear becomes silly, almost. If we allow ourselves to believe in ourselves and whatever it is that supports us, we move differently through this world filled with...."stuff".

Lets get careless...just a little.

Let's get unpredictable, and surprise ourselves.

Let's get real, and move from a deeper place!

Love, love LOVE!

EMBRACE

I've been getting a lot of slack lately...
...and by slack, I mean lots of strange and doubtful looks.

These looks surface when I talk about my nutrition habits...

In the last 2-3 years I've started taking a serious interest in what goes into and onto my body.  Please know, I'm not here to judge my former habits...or any habits of yours.  I'm very aware of why I've made some choices, and I'm aware of why you might be too.  And the thing is...it's OK.  Until it's not.  If the choices you're making are leaving you feeling healthy inside and out, then I'm proud of you!!  If there's even a hint of disease...belly disease, heart disease, disease from sugars, acid reflux, celiac's, gluten intolerance...then I'll be extremely proud of you if you read on with an open mind!

The thing is...if I were looking back at me 5 years ago I'd probably be giving myself the same looks.   These looks are of curiosity, doubt, and are without knowledge.  When I learned I had a gluten intolerance initially, I actually ignored it for about a year.  Living without the foods I had lived with for so long seemed ludicrous! How could my body, OVERNIGHT, be rejecting the things I've eaten since I could ingest solid foods?

The answer is easy....my body was never welcoming of those foods.  It was slowly deteriorating trying to digest them.  My body and I were now having a Come to Jesus.

The hardest truth of the whole matter was, I was fearful of looking deeper into my diet.  I didn't want to think or talk about food...I wanted to EAT it!  Why did I need to think about my food and how my body works with it?  That wasn't part of the deal...we didn't learn that growing up!  And that's just it...99% of us were not taught to look at what was on our plate.  We weren't taught to source our foods locally.  Its OKAY!  It's no one's fault...it's just what we learned.  Processed foods were easy and convenient, therefore nutritional value was not important.  We just didn't know...

...but, now we do.

GMO is a household term, and belly diseases from food are more and more common.  Drug stores are carrying gluten free products...and probiotics to restore gut health.  Friends and family members are co-op sharing to get the freshest and most seasonal produce available to them.  Mothers are researching diets for both themselves and their child so that optimal health can be provided to both mother and child.  There are now options available for not just gluten allergies, but dairy and nut allergies.  Most if not all are pretty easy to find, especially with a quick Google search.

Now...the knowledge is available.  That was probably the most fun for me...acquiring the knowledge. STILL acquiring the knowledge...as to what works, what might not, and where things are coming from.  But mostly, being okay with the change.  Being okay with moving away from what's been conditioned in me, and knowing I'll be in better health for it.  Being okay with investing just a small amount of time to read labels and find the information.

What do you do with all that knowledge?  Try not to latch onto any fads, like going gluten free by choice. Talk to a nutrition professional about your questions.  Preferably outside of the healthcare realm (read: go holistic), but thats a matter of (my) opinion.

People may be looking at me funny, but they're also looking at me differently.
I'm lighter, I'm brighter...and it's organically showing from the inside out.
All because I've finally decided to EMBRACE food...

Think about it....

Love, love, LOVE!